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Let's start a new section in here for jokes.....please try to keep them tasteful as it is a family forum.
I received this in an email from Tatto today and liked it....
Three Men
Three men, a Canadian farmer, an Arab terrorist and an American Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie..
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ' POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
The Arab terrorist was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable. ' The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
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My wife left a note on the fridge.........
"It's not working!! I can't take it anymore; I've gone to stay at my Moms!"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was still cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?!!
:D
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Jenn,
I LOVE IT............
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As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked jeep, the local sheriff asks her what happened. The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..." The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "I dont know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."
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a man is pulled over by the local law for a random check. when asked if he had any weapons the man replied " yes i have a 357 i carry" the officer says okay are there any others, and the man replies " yes again i have a 38 snubnose in the glovebox a 9 shot semi auto benelli in the trunk with a semi auto 90 round drum ak-47" , the officer asked "what are you afraid of ?" and the man replies " not a dang thing".
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A man was going through a Mid-life crisis so he went out and bought a really fast sports car. That night, while he was out driving, he decided to test it out and see just how fast it was. So he headed out onto the interstate and started to open it up. That car was just purring along at 115 mph, he had the top down, wind blowing through his hair, Life Was GOOD! Until, that is, he looked in the mirror and saw a cop hot on his tail. He thought “he’ll never keep up with this…” so he floored it and pulled away like he was shot out of a gun. In a matter of mere seconds he was up to 150 MPH plus, but then he thought “What am I doing? This is crazy, I’ll end up in Jail!” so he let off the gas, slowed down and pulled over. Soon after the Cop pulled up behind him. As the Police Officer got out of his cruiser, he thought to himself “ I’m tired, it been a looong day and I just want to go home.” When he walked up the driver he said “Sir, I’ve been a Police Officer for over 20 years and I’ve heard all kinds of excuses, BUT if you can give me one that I’ve NEVER heard before I might go easy on you”. The man thought for a second and said…” Well Officer, I’ve been married for over 25 years and just last week my Wife up and left me, ran off with a Policeman and, for a moment, I thought he was trying to give her back”! The Cop just stared at the man for a minute and said “have a good night…” and walked away. ;D
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Good one Jack...I like it!
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Psychology 101
If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the
cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set
of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs
and climb toward the banana.
As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other
monkeys with cold water.
After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ...
all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when
another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try
to prevent it.
Now, put the cold water away.
Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.
The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs.
To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After
another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the
stairs he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it
with a new one.
The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous
newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm.
Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by
the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the
stairs he is attacked.
Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they
were not permitted to climb the stairs.
Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of
the newest monkey.
Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the
remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water.
Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the
stairway for the banana.
Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!
And this, my friends, is how Congress operates... and this is why,
from time to time:
ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.
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Maybe we should take just the opposite approach, we should spray everbody in Congress with cold water until they do something ;D
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Dog with Chinese Name
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Look at the picture and then read the sales
pitch below.
(http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff278/Jack_Utter/Jethrodog.jpg)
Dog For Sale . Free to good home. Excellent guard dog.
Owner cannot afford to feed Jethro anymore, as there are no more drug
pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood
for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Chinese street name,
Ho Lee Schitt.
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A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."
I said "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....",
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this fricking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your fricking BADGE!!"
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Top 10 reasons Why Men Prefer Guns over Women...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 in for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
;D
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Well... it's kinda like a Joke, but it's in video form and IT IS funny... :D unless ur old
youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0 (http://youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0)
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http://www.everydaynodaysoff.com/2009/11/04/stuff-you-know-if-you-have-an-ak-ar-mosin-nagant/?fb_action_ids=10151753011944237&fb_action_types=og.recommends&fb_source=timeline_og&action_object_map={%2210151753011944237%22%3A448875018979}&action_type_map={%2210151753011944237%22%3A%22og.recommends%22}&action_ref_map=[]
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(http://i535.photobucket.com/albums/ee351/Jeepnharleymomma/deathwobble_zps48f06c21.jpg) (http://s535.photobucket.com/user/Jeepnharleymomma/media/deathwobble_zps48f06c21.jpg.html)
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(http://i535.photobucket.com/albums/ee351/Jeepnharleymomma/mudblood_zpseb7c4a5d.jpg) (http://s535.photobucket.com/user/Jeepnharleymomma/media/mudblood_zpseb7c4a5d.jpg.html)
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pulled this off of Facebook
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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hahaha too funny, its almost like the new West Virginia quarter, 2 dimes and a nickel taped together
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http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/66991e64-4f04-1c01-591b-56f706513e89
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http://msnvideo.msn.com/?channelindex=2&from=en-us_msnhpvidmod#/video/66991e64-4f04-1c01-591b-56f706513e89
i think he is cheating.
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These guys are crazy! I would have paid his tab and taken it off his hands. Looks like something I'd own!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0ish567ZgU
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These guys are crazy! I would have paid his tab and taken it off his hands. Looks like something I'd own!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0ish567ZgU
those guys have a great job.
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Seeing that I don't drink, this gives me a whole new perspective on MVA's...
(http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff278/Jack_Utter/Bud77sign_zps9ce2d4a3.jpg) (http://s238.photobucket.com/user/Jack_Utter/media/Bud77sign_zps9ce2d4a3.jpg.html)
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That was a good one! Did you see the sign out somewhere, or find it on the internet?
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no, it was sent to me via email...
8)
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(http://i535.photobucket.com/albums/ee351/Jeepnharleymomma/Mathjeep_zpse3b63691.jpg) (http://s535.photobucket.com/user/Jeepnharleymomma/media/Mathjeep_zpse3b63691.jpg.html)
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click and watch lol...hope it works
(http://i535.photobucket.com/albums/ee351/Jeepnharleymomma/th_1054674_641735975837890_1590627343_n_zpsa1842305.jpg) (http://i535.photobucket.com/albums/ee351/Jeepnharleymomma/1054674_641735975837890_1590627343_n_zpsa1842305.mp4)
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:D :o :D :o :D :o IT WORKED.
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wonder if rick will let us have a tree for the show :D
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OMG... LMAO !!! er, I mean, Heart Warming, a real human interest story :'(
http://www.youtube.com/embed/HMnMgX7GiOA?rel=0
Jack >:D
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Not funny one bit.
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Hehe, I stop what I'm doing and watch that ad whenever it comes on! #cantgetenoughofthesnuff
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LMAO! Jack Shark Week yey!
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Whew... for a minute I thought I was the only one with a Sick mind :D
8)
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I called the police last night to report someone was breaking in my shed, they told me there was no one available and when they had time that an officer would be sent out. I hung up the phone and called back a minute later to tell them never mind I shot them. within 5 minutes there were 4 officers out front. the would be thieves ran off and was stopped by the police. when questioned by the officer " I thought you said you shot them" I replied " I thought you said no one was available".